Raspberry Road

I’m so tired. I’m so slow and behind and barely holding on. Barely keeping up. I can’t do it. I’m trying so hard and I’m drowning. I actually can’t do it. I cannot do it.

So what do I do?? When I go to bed at night exhausted and overwhelmed I lay on my pillow and pray to god that I can’t do it. It’s too hard. I’m too tired. I don’t feel well and I don’t know how to make it better. I just can’t do it. The work is too much. The effort to figure it out is too much.

When I wake at 1 in the morning I tell God that I don’t know what to do. I’m tired and overwhelmed. Please help me carry this. I’m giving it to you. At some point I fall back to sleep and wake up in the morning feeling completely unrested and exhausted before I begin. It’s all I can do to keep going.

And I know Nick feels the same. He is drowning and overwhelmed. I think Cole is also. Just can’t do it. It’s so heavy and hard. We can barely help ourselves, let alone each other.

And then, also, I wake up to these texts. From Kalli and Clydie both at the same time, and from my sweet Cole.

He’s not 100% annoyed with me. My trying and trying to help him. Love him, support him. Sometimes I wonder. Being a mom is the messy stuff. But this text was love.

From Kalli:

Thanks for thinking of me Kalli. It’s actually nice to hear that you put my name in the temple. I do that for you as well. I believe it must be carrying us along just enough.

I’m ok. I had three really good days last week, which I love, then an awful day on Monday. I was in bed most of the day. Mentally strained which makes my body hurt and tired.

Then I felt better yesterday.

That’s about the pattern. It makes life slow and hard to keep up. But I’m trying my best. Actually, life is extra heavy and full currently, so phew that I’m still doing it 👊🏼

We are tough ♡

Thanks for letting me share. I’ve always felt safe with you. You don’t judge, and you believe me. That’s huge.

And my thoughts and prayers are with you too

♡

I’m sorry 😔, life is hard enough as it is, it’s lame when you have to add health stuff on top. That’s cool you figured out the pattern for you. I hope the heaviness lifts soon 🙏💜. Good job trying your best, that’s all we can do.

And thanks for saying that about me, I’m so glad, that really means a lot. I feel safe with you too 💜.

You mentioned that you put my name in the temple a while back and I appreciated it so much I want to do that for you too 💜. I agree, I think it helps to some extent. I haven’t been going to the temple much, I want to go more often. The blessings in the endowment are so awesome too, I just can’t believe it’s only for after we die. When I was there the other day I heard a cute old lady tearfully tell a friend that she had a horrible pain in her neck that she was hoping would go away after she did initiatories and it did! And I have a friend in our old ward that had horrible health issues and she decided to go to the temple daily for a while, and she felt like it helped her, and she gained new spiritual gifts because of it. holding out hope for some temple miracles✨🙏🤞

Thank you for sharing those experiences, and your thoughts.

It’s a huge wrestle with God to understand his logic, his love, and how to work with it. so dang hard.

But deep down I have to believe He loves us and will make everything right, and his way will work for us in the very best way for us.

Sheesh. We are learning/surviving big things.

And I believe in the temple. It’s a good option. It helps. It has helped me.

Love you!!

And from aunt Clydie:

Thank you so much Clydie. It’s so special to know that people love me and are thinking about me and my family and praying for us. I’m glad we have each other. It helps! Cole got a job! It’s a struggle for him but he’s doing it and it’s an answer to all the prayers. Thank you ♡

How are you doing?

oh yay for Cole!!!

I’m doing pretty well — it’s a little complicated but sweet to be here—grateful to talk with grandkids especially if they are navigating misunderstandings… tonight i’ll be with them while Lance takes his girlfriend out for a birthday dinner. She has been a blessing to him and his kids! It’s comforting to watch. this life with all its surprises, ups and downs!! grateful that there are so many helps! My sisters prayed for me as i battled some ruminations that wouldn’t stop! and I just realized the other day that they’re gone! We sisters say to each other that our prayers combined might add up to the strength of our mother’s prayers …which she probably continues! I think of your mom watching and caring about your journey ❤️

Thanks for sharing Clydie! I love prayers! They work.

I’m just texting with Kalli right now also about praying for each other. Truly meant to be.

My group of sisters ask for prayers for each other all the time too. Such a blessing. It’s what helps us keep going through all the little/big things for sure.

I’ll keep praying for you too ♡

So good to hear from you ♡ ♡

These things happen. Multiple people reach out. We love each other. We are praying and going to the temple, and helping each other. It works. It helps. We are seeing gods hand in our lives. I’m so grateful.

I will keep going