Raspberry Road

Well. As of today we are out of money. There isn’t any guaranteed money coming from Setema. Honestly I’m so ticked about it. I hate that job. Working with Setema. It’s completely unreliable and not sustainable long term. It’s sooo frustrating for me. Major understatement.

And it’s Nick’s job. It is what he has chosen to do. He has earned a lot of money for us. We have a lot. He has a huge responsibility to provide completely for our family. 6 people. That is not easy. So so much hard work. So stressful. I’m grateful that he does that for us. And we are so blessed and have a lot.

It’s just what it is. Not consistent. Not guaranteed. Up and down and emergent do now work. So right now we could be in serious trouble. We’ll have to be tight and make it work. It has worked itself out every other time in our life. And I’m sure it will this time.

I have all the thoughts and worries. What did we do wrong. What should we have done. What do we do now. Where do we cut back. What do we let go. Do we have to live like this forever. Can we make better choices. Make a difference. Do I get a job. I’ve wondered why I’m not healthy enough to work, Cole needs my help with his mental struggles, I still feel it’s important to be home with my family. I’m not feeling hugely prompted to work even though I’m open to it and hope to find something that will be fulfilling for my specific gifts and would enrich me personally. I don’t get much guidance. I only feel to wait. Nothing. Not yet. Keep going. Keep supporting and be patient. Be quiet and still. Keep going. Stay open and hopeful and willing and ready.

I am so grateful for this beautiful house we get to live in. I just feel so grateful about it. I love it. It is big and it’s in Draper. It’s a beautiful neighborhood on the mountain with a beautiful view of the city and the mountains behind us. The backyard is flat and so peaceful to sit in the sun. I watch the birds, the squirrels, the quail, the deer, the neighborhood cats. I can sit out on my bedroom balcony in the sun in pure peace and privacy. Right off my bedroom. It is such a blessing. It’s beautiful and peaceful here. A nice wealthy neighborhood. It’s been a fun experience. Even though we are just renting, paying too much that doesn’t benefit us financially, sort of like we don’t belong in this neighborhood financially. But we get to be here. I just feel so thankful and happy being here at this time. For a time. For now. It’s quiet. The people are kind. And amid the major frustrations I have with life, I’ve been blessed to live in beautiful homes and neighborhoods and wards. Arizona. Florida. Utah. Draper. Lehi. Bluffdale. The homes have been peaceful and really cool for me. This morning I felt so good inside and happy to be safe and hidden in this home and yard that feels so beautiful to me and gives me peace and happiness. I’m blessed that Nick will work so hard and that I get to stay home and rest. I get to be a homemaker and mother. Cleaning and organizing and making a home. I’m so grateful for that.

This is exactly what is on my heart today. Just what I needed to read. What the Holy Ghost has been telling my heart, even though the world and major pressures are pushing in. I’m waiting on God.