Raspberry Road

Life is hard right now. I sure say that a lot..

Lots of good awesome wonderful things and lots of hard stressful heavy things. I hate it happening all at the same time. And I don’t feel well. Physically. Mentally… blah blah.

I’m tired. I can’t do this. I want to do it. It’s too hard.

I’m so sad. My body is tight and hurts. I went to church. It was good. I like to feel the spirit and be with others who are worshipping God too. I had a camp mtg with the leaders. All is good. I just feel hugely overwhelmed.

Ren got his wisdom teeth out yesterday morning. I took him and brought him home and took care of him all day. Pain medicine every 3 hours. Ice on his cheeks for 30 minutes, off for 30 minutes, on for 30 minutes all day. Can only eat soft foods which he doesn’t like and his mouth hurt so bad to swallow that he didn’t want to eat. I love him. I love serving him. Also spent the day addressing his graduation announcements and some more wedding announcements. Didn’t stop all day. Can’t keep up with the laundry, cleaning, food, rest. It’s crazy crazy crazy how much is going on right now. I wish I could enjoy it more. Truly love it. I want to. And of course Nick is barely making half his usual income the last few months. It’s way tight. Life of being self employed. Quite awful at times. Barely get by. Have to go in to debt and then spend months and months getting out of debt. It is way heavy and stressful. Makes everything harder and less enjoyable. Lesson learned. It’s a crappy way to live.

I took a nap all afternoon. Restless. Frustrated. Stressed. Nothing is helping. I prayed to god. I pray all day. Don’t even know what to say. It’s relentless the struggle. What am I doing wrong. This is so much work. I tell god I’m trying. I’m trying to listen. I don’t hear anything. I don’t know how to get through this. I repeat the song we sang in sacrament meeting today.

God our strength will be press forward ever called to serve our king. Onward. Ever onward. Forward. Pressing forward. As the triumph song we sing. onward. Forward. Ever onward. Pressing forward. God our strength will be. God our strength will be.

How will he be my strength today? I feel weak. More humble. God my strength will be. I hope. I will press forward. Laying here in my bed.

I need to cry. I need to get it all out. Sometimes I feel it, but my body won’t let me cry. It’s stuck inside. I bet my depression medication doesn’t help with that. I need to get it out. At 5:58pm I text Nick and ask him if he will come up and give me a headband neck massage. I’m so tight. Everything is stuck inside and I need to cry. He is so good at massages. While I’m waiting I think about Jeni. She came down for the weekend with her kids and stayed a night with us. I knew she was going home today so I texted her to see how it was going. At 6:03 I texted- are you driving home? Just wanted to hear where she was at.

Two minutes later Nick came up. I thought to give me a massage, but he said- Jeni is here dropping some stuff off. I thought, oh she stopped by? Did I miss her while I was sleeping? Darn. No, he said, she’s here right now. Want to go see her?

I couldn’t believe it. How was she here the exact moment I was thinking about her. I just thought she would send me a text, but she said she had my sunscreen in the car and stopped for a second to return it.

I couldn’t believe it. It felt unreal. Special. I was on the verge of breaking down, and she had stopped by. I asked her if she had time for a quick walk around the block. We like to do that. She said sure. I was able to talk to her. Tell her that I just needed to cry. Get it out. I cried. As we walked around the block. I said I can’t do this. It’s too hard. I’m tired. I don’t feel well. I just need to cry hard and get it out. And she let me.