Raspberry Road

Depression days are so hard. Thank goodness I don’t have them more than I do. But I have them often. Multiple days a month. I spend many days in bed. I don’t want to be there. I feel dumb. I feel like it’s such a waste of time. I desire to do things and get things done, but often I can’t. I feel so behind and overwhelmed. And then I keep going. Anyway. It just is.

It’s mostly around my monthly period. My hormones are crazy. As hard as I try, they seem to be out of control. When I start my period I get so sick. Saturday I spent 80% of the day in bed. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I feel physically exhausted and my mental health is very depressed and sad. It is miserable. It hurts to get up, but laying down doesn’t take it away. I just have to waste the day away. I feel lonely. No one really understands, and the kids just go on with their day without me. It’s sad and hard for me. And scary to be so sick.

It’s a weird life. Cause I also get up on other days. Like nothing happened. and I try to catch up and keep up. Then I’m sick for a day again. Ugh.

I get so sad and worried. How am I going to do this?? How am I going to do a wedding, and girls camp, and mission prep etc all the big things when all of a sudden I am so sick. It’s so stressful. Why is it so hard. Why do I have this weird layer of hard. That nobody understands. They don’t know about it. I don’t get help or sympathy. Actually people think I’m weird when I try to explain it. I don’t get it either. But it’s real. It’s happening. I’m so sad. I need validation. Understanding. Appreciation. Just letting it out today..

I’m grateful I have this safe comfortable bed. A big beautiful bedroom with lots of windows and a beautiful view. I don’t have anything else to do when I’m sick. I can lay in bed for the whole day when I need to. I don’t have to work full time and I can catch up on everything the days I feel well enough. I’m grateful for that. I can rest an entire day. Even though it’s hard.