Raspberry Road

This is how my life feels lately. I’m crying with a full, sad heart as I look at this pic sent on the missionary moms chat today. That cute sheep!?

I miss Ella. (She’s married and moved out) I miss her spirit- she is my peace and my party.

But I’m not much good anyway. Depression. I miss myself. This is not who I am. I love life. I want to live and experience. I miss myself without depression.

Are we here to experience this? Is this living? Pain. Sadness. Deep hurting. Lasting hard. Ache. What do we do with this. Is there purpose in this. What. Slow. Wasted time.

Sierra Leone seems crazy. Ren will be living there this time next month. I’m so overwhelmed by the shopping and the packing. What the heck does he need for two whole years. Actually. My brain and my heart hurts. Why can’t I just love this, enjoy it, and be able to do it. It’s already emotional, but the mental illness struggle really makes it impossible. And so unenjoyable. If only this layer of stupid hard would go away. I want just normal hard. Fun hard. Haha.

I don’t want Ren to get sick. Typhoid. Malaria. Fevers. Throw up. Primitive hospital IVs.

Unclean water. No air conditioning. No electricity at times. No good food. Ugh.

Hard is hard. Pain and sickness is so hard. Our bodies are mortal. Prone to all this trial, pain, and sadness. It hurts.

Are we supposed to go through this.

Also today I was reading some family history about my Grandpa Wakefield’s ancestors. 1800s. Holy cow. Building a one room shack house. Sickness. Indians. Death. Wild animals. Mothers working so hard. Gosh. It was hard for them.

I bet a lot of my depression is from my life situation and choices. Renting a house. Lots of debt is so very heavy and stressful. No savings or retirement. My mental health problems. Nicks ADHD. Cole’s OCD and ADHD. No idea how to make it better. It’s gone on for 27 years. The heavy causes lots of problems. I want to fix it. I’m too tired. So tired.

Lots to think about. And feel. How do we do this.